Wario Teaches Typing - A Wario Text Adventure

[Baker Man]

W: What? Does that mean I have to say "Wowie zowie!" like a loser?!
S: Eh, not sure. Probably not, luckily.
W: Good, this is about to feel like a drug trip, but I've experienced wario land 4 on the game boy advance, wario world on the gamecube, and master of disguise on the ds, all those gameses are weird.
D: I say we power through this.

 

[Baker Man]

S: There's a wonder flower, I say we grab it.
he picks it up
D: Are you guys spiny spinning balls or just me?
W: We all are. Is this what a spindash feels like, Sonic?
S: Yeah, and making some small talk, did you guys know Wonder is releasing on the same day as the new Spiderman game?
W: It's like Barbenheimer and Doom Crossing all over again.
?: There's the flag, hopefully Cannoli is close by.
W: My hat again, I don't like where this is going

 

[DabbitDaMips]

Suddenly the garlic bread wario ate for breakfast kicks into full gear, a wario waft squeaks out speeding him up and making him cropdust the others

S + D (stop to cough)

S: MY EEYEEEES

D: Not the worst thing I've ever smelled, I do live with escargoon, snail has some stank on him but dang what did you eat?

W: Guys its not a big deal, I only ate some garlic bread this morning! Oh.. and last night I ate that triple decker garlic sundae and a couple of cloves before bed, just a late night snack

 

[Baker Man]

A shadow looms over them
W: Don't mess with me, I have a yellow belt in ginseng.
S: Ginseng's a plant, and a yellow belt is just over amateur.
W: Shaddup Sonic.
???: Hello, Purple Wind, the Silver Zephyr told me about you.
W: If you're not Cannoli, who are you?
???: I am...
E: Lord Eclair, the Golden Gale.
D: Eclair? Really?
W: A cannoli is like an eclair, Dedede.
E: Cannoli faced you last time, and it seems you have my Goodstyle, so I'll take that back.
W: Let's get him
E: Uh-uh-uh
A wall of rocks crumbles singling Wario off

 

[DabbitDaMips]

Sonic and Dedede dodge tumbling rocks

S: Don't worry about Wario, I've seen him survive worse at the Olympics. Besides we're heroes's we've got thi... *Notices Dedede is running*
D: SUrely you jestin' I'm outta here I was just enjoying one of escargoon's spongebathes and he was just getting to the good part
*dedede runs away*
S: Uh.. *gets grabbed by an invisible force and squeeze* GAH *A chaos emerald falls out*
*Eclair throws Sonic and looks for Goodstyles but picks up the emrald*
E: What's this? *grabs* Yoink. Yes the energy signatures from this sould power the device nicely

the bois dodging

 

[Baker Man]

W: HEY DUMMY, OVER HERE!
E: Hey, give that back.
W: You'll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands, and buddy, I don't feel like-a dying right now.
E: En garde!
W: I'M-A NUMBER WAHN

 

[Baker Man]

Meanwhile
S: Hey, what did he mean "power the device nicely"? What device? Man, if only Tails was here, I bet he thinks I'm here for good, that he lost me like he lost Cosm-
D: Yeah, yeah, comfort him when we get out, but first, there's some device, Wario could examine it, he has tech smarts too. He made the Telmet, which is how he's in here in the first place.
S: That's not the same reason as us.
D: And another thing, didn't he have to kill Cosmo to save the universe?
S: Good point, but let's wait for Wario to win to identify it.

Here's context for the "Cosmo" I mentioned - D3

 

[DabbitDaMips]

Wario dashes, smashes, and ground pounds but nothing works and he is throwin into the ocean
while in the ocean Wario bumps into a shark and the two find some treasure while the nice shark casually
tries to eat our hero.
Inside?
THE OCTOPUS OUTFIT

 

[Baker Man]

You can now become Squid Wario, swim underwater and grapple onto edges with your tentacles.

W: I'm back Eclair, and WHY DO I KEEP TRANSFORMING INTO ANIMALS?! KARATE TIME!

E: Aaaaahh, I'm so scared.
W: I bet you're intimidated by the power of WARIO, WAHAHAHAHA
E: That was clearly sarcasm, you oafish man.
W: I don't care, HIYAAAA!
Eclair drops the emerald
W: HEY SONIC, I GOT YOUR EMERALD BACK.
S: THANKS.
E: Ah, I was going to power my device with that.
W: What device? Anyway, you're outta here.
Wario blasts Eclair away
Also I've subconsciously given Eclair a Scottish accent, no I don't care eclairs are Fr*nch.

 

[DabbitDaMips]

Eclair flies off into the sunset
E: You haven't seen the last of the GOOOOLDEN WIND
W: More like moldened wind am I right Sonic? That guy was stinkier than a grilled boulogne
*Sonic is still recovering, reeling from getting clapped by Eclair, Dedede who ran off into the distance watches from a bush and once wario sees
him he brushes himself off*
D: We sure showed that mangy mutt a thing or two about how to treat royalty. DON'T COME BACK NOW YA HERE?!
W (picking his nose thinks): That is this rotten blue penguin talking about
*Wario goes to help sonic up but sonic is stuck on a root in the ground, Wario pulls to hard and Sonic spin balls at Dededes face*

(eclair flying off into the skies)

 

[Baker Man]

S: Consider that payback for episode 1.
D: Huh?
S: Donuts, and then you gave me a beatdown.
D: Oh yeah.
W: You know, that sounded intentional.
S: We're all a-holes here buddy.
W: Well, Dedede is getting better.
S: Yeah, but it's still true right now.
W: Yeah, but you had a device you wanted me to check out, right?
S: Yeah, here.
W: This is an MP3 player, why would he need an emerald to power this?
S: I don't know, but I guess the episode's over now.
D: Yep, Sonic, take the MP3 player and show it to Tails, ask why someone would need an emerald to power it.

 

[DabbitDaMips]

*S+D dematerialize but Wario doesn't*
W: Hurry up! I need to get back so I can watch real tv for a change... "Garlic Warriors" is on tonight. I'm not missing that.

* there is a rumblin, Fattington runs at wario with some bucketheads blowing ice at it*
*Wario gets flung and rolls into a palm tree, coconuts hit him*

W: WAHHHHH THATS IT *barges at Fattington bouncing off*

*Fattington jiggles*

*wario tiring*: WHY YOU *starts eating fattington but it regenerates faster than he can eat*

W: GOOD NOW I CAN THINK CLEARLY

*Wario beats the bucketheads and Fattington melts*

W: WAAAAAHOOOOOOO

 

[Baker Man]

W: Back home, YAHOO!
meanwhile at Sonic's place...
S: Hey Tails.
T: Hi, what happened?
S: I was sucked into the TV, and I lost an emerald, the guy said it'd "power the device nicely", and the "device" turned out to be an MP3 player.
T: Did you get it back?
S: Yeah.
T: Also, have you ever heard of a red herring?
S: That's a fish, right?
T: No, it's something to mislead, maybe that's not the real device.

 

[Baker Man]

At Tails' house, he waters a potted flower
T: I miss her.
S: I know, me too, buddy.
D: HEY GUYS IT'S YA BOI DEDEDE.
S: Been watching too much Minecraft and Fortnite on Youtube?
D: No, I didn't mean it like a Youtube intro.
At Wario's
W: Yo, Peppino, Anton, what's up?
P: Nothing-a much, same as usual.
A: Same here.
W: Smash Bros?
P/A: Yeah, you're on.
After playing Smash
W: I'm outta here, I'm going over to Tails' place to hang out with Sonic and Dedede.
A: Bye.
They leave
Back at Tails' place
W: Hey guys, Wario here.

 

[DabbitDaMips]

(Slamming the door open, farting, and immediately eating all the snacks busting out hisown garlic and munching)

W: Alright losers lets figure this out, I'm sick of getting stuck in all of these whacky places and being forced to cosplay like a furry freak. That's mario's gig.

(Tails, Dedede, and sonic all look at Wario because they are animals)

W(reading the vibe): I mean it looks good on you guys (Cheesy smile full of food)

T: Anyways.... I've managed to crack into the mp3 and its really... a duplicator
(presses a button, a quarter emerald appears) it was almost done

I say i say worse than kirby.

 

[Baker Man]

W: Cool, I guess. Hey Dedede wanna play some zombies?
D: After last night? Nope.
W: Alright then,
calls Waluigi
W: Hey, are you guys ok?
WL: Yeah, we all made it out of Shangri-La, remember?
W: Good, gotta go.
WL: Bye
T: What happened?
S: Remember what I said this morning?
T: Oh yeah, gotcha.
W: You guys want to watch a movie?
S: Sure, let's watch The Room.
They all stare at him
D: You're joking, right?
W: How about Monty Python and the Holy Grail?
T: Sure.

 

[Baker Man]

After the movie ended and they went home
W (in a call with Shadow, Waluigi, and Knuckles): Happy Halloween guys.
SH: You too, shall we play Zombies right now?
K: Yeah, Nacht?
WL: Yeah, let's dress up too.
W: OK
W: I'll be Dragon Wario.
SH: Vegeta.
WL: I'll be Dick Dastardly.
K: Me? Little Mac.
sorry for the filler lol

 

[DabbitDaMips]

(As soon as Wario goes to change the aux channel however all four of them start getting sucked up in a swirling vortext)
W+WL: WAAAAAAAAAAH
Shadow: MARIIIIIIAAAAAAAA
Knuckles: Oh boy are we playing WL4? I love that game. Classic
(THE VORTEX SHAKES VIOLENTLY)
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
(Suddenly they are in what seems like a never ending child's play center)
W+Shadow+Knux: WHERE ARE WE?
WL: I THINK.... THIS IS... NO... WE'RE STUCK IN THE GARDEN OF BAM BAM!!!
(W+S+K look at each other because they don't know what that is)

 

[Baker Man]

W: Luckily I somehow snuck my Python outta Shangri-La last night, if stupid Zumbo Sauce comes at us, I'll blast his brains out.
SH: Yeah, is this just our life now, being sucked inside video games every night?
K: I don't know, also, did Wario just say Zumbo Sauce?
W: It's a reference.
WL: Lead the way, Wario.

 

[Baker Man]

Wario gets a math problem wrong, gets jumpscared, and shoots that mf.
W: Easy, also, I'm-a gonna turn on some music.
K: URGH, WARIO, MAKE IT STOP!
W: YOU WANNA GET OUTTA HERE, RIGHT GUYS?
WL: YEAH, BUT WHY THIS SONG?!
W: AN AUDIO FLASHBANG
SH: DID IT HAVE TO BE THE ATGAMES VERSION?!
W: YES IT DID!
And then Wario shot the monsters with his magnum, and then the bois went home.
Back in vc
W: Alright, I'm going to bed, hopefully nothing interrupts me now.
SH: Goodnight Wario.