Now to go to bed with 'can't believe it's christmas' stuck in my head and hopefully not wake up in cold sweats or have nightmares or w/e.
thankfully i seem to sleep okay no matter what's going on but in my current situation, in the face of such uncertainty when my future college attendance could very well be at stake, i JUST do not know. This probably won't happen next semester with even the slightest chance, because I'm going to be doing production techniques and music history, so that shouldn't be too bad, considering my past star student status in ART history. ...the fact that I was a star student in a class like that doesn't make my current failure seem like i've fallen from grace, but rather that my past achievement was a sham-- i've finally come up against something that i couldn't get past and it was ALL because i couldn't keep m'fuckin head on straight for AN HOUR. AN HOUR EVERY DAY THAT'S ALL I NEEDED TO DO, JUST ONE STRAIGHT HOUR, i'm a sham, jesus christ, why am i so prideful i don't fuckin' deserve to think so highly of myself on a subconscious level. SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU AREN'T GREAT, STOP PUFFING YOURSELF UP WHEN YOUR PRECIOUS EGO IS CHALLENGED YOU STUPID POMPOUS FOOL. And yet, I can not. I can only see that bullshit for what it is and hope my willpower is strong enough to not let my brain indulge in something that'll get it precious endorphins, but i already know it won't, because I AM WEAK. I'm fuckin' scared for my future right now man because I am still such an absolute child, and the best part is, just now, the thought of receiving advice made my caveman brain recoil in revulsion like the cocksucker it is, because IT'S A COWARD.
I am so going to be a Starving Artist when I get older. I just want someone to hold when I go to sleep at night and I want to make MIDIs and post stupid shit on here, Twitter, and whatever the fuck else. I could probably repeat this proposed cycle for decades of my life and be fulfilled. Maybe go to some foreign countries-- the thought of which became so much more enticing at the thought of sharing that experience-- (and i'd bring my laptop for make the midi ekks-dee).
"WE DO THAT FOR FORTY YEARS, AND THEN WE DIE. Now that sounds pretty good to me, whaddya say?"
I'm sure I'll regret posting this, but for now, have a little bit of undisguised disdain, longing, and other forms of faggotry that reveal how much of a loser I am beneath all my charisma and SLIGHTLY above average skillset.
My uncle is a great artist: he does woodburn engravings and a sculptor, and he worked at DART making styrofoam cups or smth ( ._ .)
Although to be fair, he doesn't seem to be all that miserable, even if people make fun of him.
I guess if I was in his exact position I wouldn't give a fuck either, because he lives in a house whose mortgage was probably paid off before I was born, in a clearing just outside of a bigass forest, and doesn't have to worry about shit. He has a daughter who lives in the house with him for most of the week, earns a modest living, and does what he likes.
That doesn't sound like too bad of an existence, actually. OH YEAH. He's also got a hot girlfriend now, I forgot about her. I think she has like, 2, or maybe 1, child/ren? But she seems really damn cool, and from what I've heard her family has been a tremendous help for my kid cousin's morale.
...and you know how I am about good mothers. FUCK, I'm jealous. BUT at least I'm honest with myself about it. This guy's got it made (even if his beard looks dumb as shit).